written in over a week.
Not much has happened.
>shrug.
Day 9 was fucked up.
I prolly should start over.
But, if I stop the numbering at 8 and start at 1 it won't be right. I'll just do it in a different colour.
I need a new keyboard. Mine is sticky.
ASDUIhflasdh;gaiw gawhgasdvabva
"I can't concentrate on the essay that I have to finish by tomorrow morning because I can't stop thinking about my ex. All I want is for him to give me a another chance, but he won't because I'm the one who broke up with him in the first place. I was a terrible girlfriend. I cheated on him with one of his best friends, lied to him constantly, picked fights with him, and just treated him overall badly. When I look back on it, I regret treating him so badly. I regret every time I lied to him. I regret every time I got wasted and stoned and fucked up behind his back. I regret every time I gave in to my eating disorder, when I promised him I would go to him first if I ever felt that way. I regret every time I broke my promise that I wouldn't cut myself. I regret every time I had to see the look on his face when he found out that I had hurt myself. I keep thinking of all the times I screwed up with him. The time I took ecstacy right next to him and he, at the very least, acted like he didn't have a clue. I cheated on him while he was in the same room, asleep. I lied and told him I wasn't hungry.
I know that all of this is terrible. I was horrible to him. I can't help but try to focus on how much I've changed since then. And that was the whole reason why I broke up with him, I wanted to change so I could be better for him. I keep trying to show him how regretfull I am for doing those things to him, and how I've changed so I could be better for him, but he still wants none of it. He's promised me another chance eventually. Eventually. I can't help but think that he is only saying that because he wants me to calm down. Every night, I wish and pray that he'll see the new me and he'll love who I am just like he loved who I was.
Aside from that, there's been this other woman in his life that he's been boyfriend-like to. I can't help but keep comparing the two of us. I see the ways that she's better than I am, and can't see any way that I'm better than her, aside from the fact that I love him so fucking much. I would do anything for him. But, in comparison, she broke up with her boyfriend of 8 years for him and she endures all of her ex's shit just so she can see him and be near him. It seems like she's doing so much more than I am. But, he doesn't see the pure hell I go through everyday. I eat without throwing half of the meal away or puking it up. Every time I want to cut, I make myself stop. Every time my friends invite me out to get fucked up, I have to decline. He doesn't know how much I go through to prove to him that I can be a good girlfriend and not cause him so much pain.
And, I know, he should accept me how I am, he should love me for me and not something I have to struggle to be. But, the thing is, the me I used to be just kept hurting him. How is he supposed to love something that hurts him so much?
I'm afraid that this will be all for nothing. All of this pain and struggle, and I don't give him back. I know that it's good for myself, too. That this will only make me stronger and that, if I can really break my cutting and my eating disorder and being so reckless, than I can better myself. I know that he is not the only thing in the world. But, still. If I lose him, I feel like I'll just fall into the same patterns because I'll feel like, even if I changed, I still wasn't good enough.
I keep fooling around with him, too. Every single time I see him, I find a way to get our clothes off. Half of me just wants him to see that I can do something right, I can please him. And the other half of me just wants to be closer to him, to not feel like I'm losing him again. When we're there, together, I don't think about how he's with another person, or that we aren't even together. It's always perfect.
And, even though all of this is rushing through my thoughts, my main thoughts are still that I am actually happy. I may be going through shit right now, but I still find room to be genuinely happy. It's such a new feeling, I don't remember ever being this truly happy. I can look in a mirror and not hate myself. I can smile and not wonder if it's real or fake.
Urgh. I don't know where else to go with this. I think I just needed to vent. Thanks for offering your ear. 
I can get back to work now."
wrote that 2 days ago.
Today, he said,
"I always want you. I wanted you yesterday, today, and tomorrow. You're the one I want." Or something like that.
I am so confused.
Ohyeah, they fucked on the 5th for the first time and have been. Not that much of a surprise. Iuno why I believed him, yknow? Iuno. Fuck. Whatever. sdlfas;daslkgash;dg
=D
Erm.
I'm so confused.
I feel so amazing.
I fucked him today.
Yepppp.
Erm. He told me he loved me a bajillion times.
I did too.
I asked him, "What does she have that I don't?"
No answer, of course. But, y'know, whatever. >rolleye.
dfas;fa;fa;dfkffldlfasdlf
I'm restless. FASHAHAHS
I wanna shower, but not really.
Iuno.
dlaskl;dafdaf
BOOP BOP BEEP BOOOP BOP BEEP PEEEEEE>>
dsasdfasdffddfdfasfafafasdfafasfasfa
aolasdsaopabd]
Longest post evar
I think I'm going insane. =D
Dx
D=
P=
=9999
hehehehehheheheheh.
ZOOOHAN!
fskdl;fasg
I gotta HDMI cable for the cable box, but there is no port. My father is gonna take care of that. >:D
lasdhkhasdg
]
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA. OMG.
...writing him a book for Christmas. I'm gonna get it bound and shit, too.
I hope he likes it.
Day One
So far, so good.
I punched a couple of walls and some trees and my right hand is all cut up now. But, it's okay. I cried a little. Not full-on sobbing like it has been. So, that's good. I saw him and spent about 2 hours with him before I felt like I was about to break down. When I left, I hugged him and I wanted to start sobbing and crying and telling him. "I BELONG HERE. NOT HER. ME... these are my arms..."
and, here I am...
Deep breaths... deep breaths.
Day one, over
"Fine Again"
Seether
So, I've always known that December sucks. I lose the most people in December, usually they're the closest people to me. I don't know, December loves taking away the people I care most about. Fucking asshole, no?
Haha, anyway. About two hours, I was begging my ex to give me another chance even though he's with another woman and all that. Then I cried and cried and my dad finally got me to tell them what was wrong and it was nice to cry to them. I wish they were that supportive all the time, not just when I'm having a breakdown.
I took a shower to cool off, and it really did help. I'm not crying anymore. Every time that I want to cry, I tell myself, "Don't be foolish, crying will not help whatsoever. Neither will pouting or moping or feeling sorry for yourself. You love him, yes, you would love him back, yeah. But, he's moved on, it's time for you to do that, too. Wish him well, hope that he's happy, but don't be bitter. Move on."
And, it works, I stop wanting to cry. I still have a dull ache in my stomach and chest, but I'm not crying over him, I'm not dwelling on the fact that I won't have him back. And, that was my ultimate goal. I just wanted to stop crying.
I've realised that it's really, really stupid to keep crying over
him. 24/7, nonstop. So, I'm not going to anymore. I'm going to "keep on
chugging". Hahaha. He promised that we can still talk, and that's good.
That's fine. I love talking to him. I'm hoping that he's going to be
happy with his new...interest. He says that they aren't together...
but, you know how that goes. 
On another note, I feel giddy and happy because I finally got the courage to message this one guy I've been liking for the longest time. He's so dreamy. xDD
Haha, if anyone knows where that's from, they get a cookie. 
yeah. Just needed to type. Hahaha. >hophopbounce
"Walk Away (Remember Me)"
Paula DeAnda feat. The DEY
So, I only have... 6 pictures until I can't put anything on my flickr cause I can't pay for a premium account and, yeah... Ugh. I hate it.
I went to BK with S. After, R picked me up and we went to his house... and we ended up crying and shit.
It was emotional and I cried a lot and he just held me and stuff. I just wish that it mattered... He saw my cuts and he started crying and I had to calm him down and yeah. He asked me why and all I could say was that I missed him. Ladeda. And then we laid down together and just laid there.
Then, we had sex. Yeah... I knew it was gonna happen. And, then, after I left, I was trying to text him and he was all grumpy, so I just left him alone. And he went to go see his boss, whom he keeps reminding me that he has feelings for and it's just, like, yeah, I know. But, I wish I could just make you see me again. It's no fair. =,<
Ugh...
I hate him. I love him. I want him gone so I don't have to deal with this tug of war with my heart. DKLSG:SDHGSDFg
His birthday is in two days. He's buying me liquor, thank god. I need to get wasted. ><;
MAAD wants to get pills. DEAR GOD, I WOULD SO LOVE THEM IF THEY DO. I mean, I already love them. it's just an expression ro whatever.
School tomorrow.
Oh! And I'm upgrading my com-put-errrrrr. My bayyyy-beee. EychPee. =3
Hehheheheehhehe.
=D
"Take Me Away"
Seether
I wish that I could feel this forever. This calm after feeling. The hazy feeling, like I know my life sucks, but I don't care. It's like all of the receptors for feeling like shit have been turned off, blocked. I may seem to move slow, I may seem to think slow. But, with everyone and everything moving so quickly, what's the harm in slowing it down every once in a while. I know that I don't need another person to feel happy, but I want that. It's terrible to go to bed alone, it's terrible to wake up alone, to know that you'll spend the day |alone|. I just wish I had, at least, the prospect of someone. But, it's just a far off dream. No one will be the Joel to my Clementime, the Noah to my Allie, Edward to my Bella? Ahha. I am numb, I think. I can't feel jealous any more, I can't feel sad, all I feel is a wavering happiness. It sparks, fades, and flares again. I can smile and breathe without sighing. Without leaning my head back and wondering if that smile is real or fake. Because I don't trust myself anymore. I'm laying back my head and closing my eyes and typing this. I'm in a kind of Nirvana, just sitting here, typing. Oh, Lord. It's second nature, to be here, painting a picture with words. Letting whoever reads this to see a bit of the actual beauty, the type that lingers inside and waits for someone to find them. Some other hiding magic that finds your beauty, and they lift each other out of their shells. They melt together and glow, brightly enough that nothing has to hide anymore. I wish I could find someone to add their magic to my heart. Or, at least, someone to hold me? Someone that I can kiss any time I want. Is that really too much to ask? It's pathetic, just to feel this way a lot of the time. To want love and affection, but not to be able to look for it because I'm already tired of looking. I'm tired of trying to find it myself. It seems that, my whole life, I have been on this massive search for what I lost. But, I guess I will get what I deserve in the end, even if it isn't what I want.
It's almost 9pm and I don't want it to be, I don't want the time to run by, because that's so much more time that I've spent doing almost nothing. Though, this, is what I should always be doing. Writing. I forgot how much it relaxed me, made me feel like I was human. It was, if I could just be able to put it in words, I know that I am not alone. The words for the feeling means that someone before me has felt it. That they needed a description for it. I take the same words, I form the same feelings and there's the small connection that each of us share. Feeling and emotion, even those who don't feel anymore. -- At one point, they felt happy enough to be depressed enough to stop feeling either thing. But, it makes me ask the question, is there a back button? Can you feel amazingly happy after the amazing depression? Because, if you have to feel happy before you feel depressed, wouldn't it work in reverse, too? You have to be depressed before you can begin happiness all over again. You have to leave something to come back to it. That makes me wonder, do we all flock back and forth from our major emotions? Jump from a rainbow to a shit storm to a tornado, then wander back again. Start the maze again, go backwards.
I just hope that I can leap back from the storm, from drifting down a river like a forgotten sailboat. I just don't think I have it in me to be happy again. I used to have a reason to get by, something to smile for at the end of the day, but I know that it's long slipped from my grasp. All I can remember now are the words, stuck in my head. Undeserving, pathetic, worthless, unworthy, undesirable. So many un- words because I can't find anything to feel but undone.
"The Gift"
by Seether
1992, Sept. 10 - Born in Vancouver, BC (Twin: Sean)
1994 - Move to Toronto, ON
1994 - Enter Cody and Derrick and Ricky
1997 - RIP Dad
1997 - RIP Sean
1997 - Run away/kicked out
1997 - HOMELESS
1998 - HOMELESS
1998 - Get picked up in NYC
1998 - Live with Mario, etc.
1998 - Get taken away for "bad" living conditions
1998 - Run away from the home
1998 - HOMELESS
1998 - Somehow in Detroit, picked up
1998 - Auntie Bella claims me, shuffled to Chicago
1998 - RIP Auntie Bella
1998 - Moved to California
1998 - Adopted by strangers
1998 - ABUSE
1998 - Re-Enter Cody, Derrick, and Ricky
1998 - Start 2nd grade
1998 - Started being molested by Jess
1999 - Start 'experimenting' with classmates (Jimmy, Javier, Courtney, Lily)
1999 - RIP Uncle Tony
1999 - RIP Derrick
2001 - 9.11
2001 - Fuck/Molest Sarah
2001 - RIP Alessandra
2001 - RIP Luca
2001 - RIP Paolo
2001 - RIP Uncle Steven
2001 - Enter Pot
2001 - RAPE. RAPE.
2003 - Leave for middle school, stop 'experimenting'
2004 - Dating Ricky
2004 - RIP Ricky
2004 - Enter Alcohol
2004 - Enter Heroin
2004 - Fuck Jr.
2006 - Exit Heroin
2006 - RIP Jesse
2006 - Enter Ashley
2006 - Joejoe and Soddy enlist
2006 - Enter ADA, DAM, then DAAM (Amanda&Meg)
2006 - Soddy goes MIA, gets found dead
2007 - Enter Ecstacy+other such things
2007 - Enter Richard
2007 - Dating Richard
2007 - RIP Mario
2008 - Exit Ecstacy&etc
2008 - Enter Scottie
2008 - Exit DAAM
2008 - Exit Meg
2008 - Enter Jesus
2008 - Break up with Richard
2008 - Enter MAAD (+Amy)
Share a song from the last album you purchased.
What gifts, big or small, are you hoping to find under your tree this year?
Sponsored by Best Buy.I really want the games I asked for. Pikmin, Pikmin 2, Super Smash Bros Brawl. And, if I'm lucky, a polaroid camera. =33333
I don't know. Oh! And Walking With Dinosaurs tickets. But, no one knows I want any of this really badly. Only Pikmin.
I don't wanna drop hints either... It feels bad.
Ugh.
Yesterday, well, Friday was when shit was goin down.
MAAD hung out on Friday and it was this retarded adventure to try to get booze, but we kept chickening out. And then Am found someone she knew and her aunt was gonna do it for us and yeah. She got us a bottle of Smirnoff Ice and Heineken for me. And then they realised that the Smirnoff Ice is only 5% and As's mom's boyfriend bought them a bottle of Smirnoff Blue Raspberry. It was good. So, yeah, I'm REALLY drunk and we're sitting there talking to F, cause he came over. And, As is talking about his girlfriend, M, and how they're basically the best of friends.
It made me feel so replaced, so I just kept quiet. And, yeah. After he left, Am, who had been asleep for a while, woke up and we decided to bake a cake. It was fun.
Anyway, by then, I had been talking to J for a while and he was basically begging me to give him a chance and I was all, Fine, but if I break your heart, which I know I will, you can't hate me. And he's all, I could never hate you. So, yeah. We spent the next day together and saw Bolt (while Am, Ma, As, & Jo went to go see Twilight together and it was like... why didn't you invite me? =<<) But, yeah, Bolt was good. I was absolutely drooling over John Travolta's voice.
It made me cry several times, especially cause of the cat's little story.
And then, yeah, after I went home.
And, the whole time I felt unbelievably terrible about being with J because of R and because I knew it was just settling and I just felt like shit cause I knew that he wanted me and I didn't really want him in that way, all my attraction toward him had completely depleated. So, I told him and he's all, So, this means we're over? and I was all, Yeah, unfortunately.
And he was all, I understand. I'll talk to you later.
And, later that night, he texted me to say that he was done feeling sorry for himself and he'll help me in any way he could.
And, now, I'm thinking, damn, he's such a great person, if only I could be attracted to him. It's not fair. It's like, he's not the best looking, by far (yes, I am a little shallow) and he's way too gentle for me. I need someone who is going to want to hold my hand all the time and kiss me aggressively and all that. Because it makes me feel good to know that he wants me so much he can't let go of me, he can't get enough of me.
Ugh, yeah, I feel like shit and I need to shower but my sister is there in the shower.
At 5, I'm going to the church to get free food. Dear god, I have to sit through the service though. ><;
I hope I can sneak my iPod on.
=]
OH! and I got my work for my actual classes. Psych and English 1. ><;
Yeah, =D
"POV"
by McFly
